I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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