tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
