moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
