I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
