he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
