Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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