I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
