i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
