She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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