you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
