she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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