we're chasing vodka with high fives
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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