Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
