1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think weed is turning my hair brown
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
