Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
