the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
