im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We have started to decorate penises.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
