Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize