She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize