what day is it and did you see me today?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
