Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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