it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
