im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
