Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I love having hate sex.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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