he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
