I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh god it's open bar.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
