and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
