last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I will pee on everything he values.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
