so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
3pm strippers are depressing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
