Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
