there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
