I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
