in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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