miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize