i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
