I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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