I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
