can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
