cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
