I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
