we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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