I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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