i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
