babies were throwing up all over the place
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize