Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
