you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
