Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
