Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
