You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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