I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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