somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
