When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
