Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
