i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize