I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
