The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
