I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
