You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize